Grief

The last few weeks has been a trying time. One of my best friends from college lost his mother in a sudden and tragic auto accident in Scottsdale, AZ. I have been so grateful to be down here and in a position where I can physically be present for my friend and his dad and brothers. I've never lost someone suddenly, and I've found that while I didn't know his mother personally that well, I've been grieving for Kyle and his family. Part of my frustration has been with wanting to help, but knowing there is really nothing I can do to understand what that family is going through. I wrote about it, partially for me, and partially trying to voice some frustrations with the grief process overall.

We all ask:

Why her?

Reality tells us—this happens to folks everyday

News stations can't even run the stories

they're so common

normal

old news.

But the weight on my heart

the agony ripping at my soul

a suckerpunch to my ability to

talk

think

speak

coherently.

These things tell me

this story matters

this life matters

She matters.

So we reach out in the only way we know how

trying to connect

trying to help

trying to ….

feel like we're doing something.

Can I come help? Do you need anything?

I'll send a package! How are you doing?

Do you want to talk? I'm here for you.

Rewind.

Repeat.

For maybe a couple weeks.

And then suddenly it stops

like we've overcome the pain

and life can be normal again.

Are you kidding me?

My grief still feels like an open wound

and it starts to heal when I can be real

with someone and share my sadness

But you all think I'm fine

after all it's been quite some time

I should be recovering

She'd want it that way.

She'd want it that way?

Oh those words always cut to me like the steely edge of a knife

sometimes a comfort

mostly a brutal reminder that

what we are saying is purely conjecture

because we don't know what she'd want

because she isn't here!

This is grief.

This is now life.

We all ask:

Why her?